You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”