“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.