*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
finally found a reasonable question
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
this independent good boy don’t need no human