“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)