So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
But wait…
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…