The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
☺️
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.