Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.