My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.