I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?