SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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when you are just born a rebel
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.