It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.