*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
You Might Also Like
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?