Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
This will never not be funny to me.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
December birthdays be like…
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.