Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The two types of wives
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em