This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end