Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
is nasa ok
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
hi why am I like this
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫