PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight