Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I triple waxed for this?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.