Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
This kid is a star!
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!