Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
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Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Great Canadian literature.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit