[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT