My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.