You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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Important
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she鈥檚 watching over me
Mom鈥檚 Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you鈥檇 believe
My therapist is so lucky. I鈥檓 like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
A new Ocean鈥檚 13 but it鈥檚 me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid鈥檚 toys out of their packages
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don鈥檛 get old, kids.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The rest of the world: It鈥檚 so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It鈥檚 so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Protip: When an office says it鈥檚 paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
. 馃馃徎/ It鈥檚
<) ) 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/馃馃徎 9 o鈥檆lock
( (> 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/馃馃徎/ On a Saturday
<) ) 馃幑馃幑馃幑
/The regular crowd
馃懘馃徎/ 馃懙馃徑/ 馃懇馃徎/ 馃懆馃徑/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we鈥檙e really just staring because we can鈥檛 figure out whose ex you are.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat