when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.