Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
When someone trying to leave me
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.