Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.