wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Autocorrect is my menesis
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper