Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*