Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.