To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty