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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
#parenting
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.