[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.