Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
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me: time for some laundry 馃檪
laundry machine: ok 馃檪
me: ok time to dry 馃檪
dryer: i鈥檝e invented a new knot. it transcends humanity鈥檚 current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don鈥檛 like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn鈥檛 had a phone for long but he鈥檚 somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: I鈥檝e been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You鈥檙e allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it鈥檚 a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn鈥檛 have all the answers. It鈥檚 in god鈥檚 hands.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It鈥檚 a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.