One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy