A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD