her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that