How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer