[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
A completely valid reaction tbh
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
TODAY
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything