Girl, same.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If only.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.