Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Follow me for more life hacks.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*