Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Swedish for common sense.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you