Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled