*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”