My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
no refunds
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Where is your GOD now????
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We’ve come full circle
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.