Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
You Might Also Like
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.