Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Hmm, not sure about this change
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
do what now??
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?