Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.