Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”