I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You Might Also Like
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Happy thanksgiving
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*