This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.